FRITZ

By DAVID DANCER | PHOTOS BY ANTHONY O'BRIEN

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Known for its heavy sports ambiance, volatile drinks and friendly bears, Fritz kind of reminds me of a gay Cheers. I arrived for brunch just before noon and put the rest of my Saturday (and well-being) in the hands of my bartender, John. With the GAYEST '80s soundtrack ever, thanks to a perfectly selected XM station, my migraine was ready to ensue. :(

Drink 1: Malibu with pineapple juice and a splash of cranberry in a beer mug ($6). My first drink was nameless. John thought it would set the mood for an amazing brunch. It tasted like those gateway drinks you made that weekend in high school when your parents were out of town, and trusted you to be on your best behavior and take care of the pets, y'know? It was kind of refreshing, and for the price and quantity, I couldn't complain.

Drink 2: Bloody Mary ($4). I looked around the room and noticed celery sticks peeking out of giant glasses. I fucking HATE Bloody Marys, but I had to see why this was the drink of choice at the bar. Before I knew it, a fishbowl was standing before me. Why does the drink I hate the most have to be the biggest one I've ever seen?

Drink 3: Mimosa ($4). Brunch without a mimosa? That's like going to Denny's without sweatpants and fake Crocs—pointless. John's made my eyes melt. Picture adding Triple Sec to an empty aquarium, filling it 90 percent of the way with the finest Cristal ... ino bubbly and a splash of OJ for color. Perfecto!

Drink 4: Rye Highball ($4). I was running out of ideas (and consciousness) at this point. I wanted to wean off of juice-based cocktails. I was hoping for a Dark & Stormy, but the bar was lacking ginger beer. My friend Rob suggested ginger ale and rye. I said, "Whatevz." To my surprise, it tasted like a drink from a distinguished bar. It was smooth and painless.

Drink 5: Cape Codder ($4). My default drink. Whenever a cocktail list is too complicated, I buy more time by starting with one of these. How can you go wrong? Vodka and cranberry juice. It's like the black and white cookie for booze. This was a little different than your traditional Cape Codder. It was PINK. There was literally a splash (possibly a pinch) of cranberry. The straw was beginning to curl. If the four previous drinks didn't tease my liver enough, this one was seriously declaring war. A painful choice to round out my brunch, but a confirmed seat in any local drunk tank.