J.A. STATS

By MACKENZIE SCHMIDT | PHOTOS BY JASON BERGMAN

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99 BROAD ST., BOSTON. 617.357.8287. JASTATS.COM

Meandering cautiously toward the five drinks that awaited me at J.A. Stats, I have the looming feeling that I'm about to run a marathon I haven't trained for. My best effort at preparedness: a Vitamin Water "Endurance." In the distance, there is a faint and familiar noise calling forth into the silent abyss of the financial district at 2pm on a Saturday. A single voice ... announcing the Red Sox/Blue Jays game. At the end of the bar, I spot a budding bro-mance over Bud Lights.

Drink 1: Stats Mudslide ($10). What was I thinking when I OK-ed this monster? Likely a combination of nerves and blind enthusiasm for what is beginning to look much less like the best assignment ever. Let's start off with a big creamy "signature" drink in a glass the approximate size and shape of my bowl of cereal this morning. Those Lucky Charms are beginning to seem like a less sufficient preliminary stomach coating for the Baileys, Kahlúa, vodka and fancy chocolate syrup dribble perched in front of me.

Drink 2: Whiskey sour ($6.50). Jack Daniel's, sour mix and a cherry. The current clientele of six college football fans drinking moderately priced light beers doesn't offer much intrigue for my "I'll have what he's having" inspiration. My miniskirt-clad lady bartender offers that there's a couple in the corner drinking whiskey sours. Let's do it. My first ever, this one is a quick favorite. It tastes like a green Jolly Rancher ... a whiskey-infused green Jolly Rancher.

Drink 3: Stoli O and orange juice shot ($7.50). While I remember this drink being quite delicious (an homage to my earliest college memories and beyond), I manage to make only one note about it in a rather indecipherable scribble—"I can't feel my face." The sports announcing is traded in for Katy Perry and Justin Timberlake oozing from the speakers, clearly a sign of the dwindling afternoon.

Drink 4: Blowjob ($7). With the help of my growing circle of companions, now including photographer Jason, the gay guy sitting to my left, my malicious bartendress and the scattered, onlooking couples, we settle on a classic: 1 ounce Baileys, half ounce vodka, half ounce butterscotch Schnapps and whipped cream. This drink was delicious, but also the final blow. I admit my defeat and let Jason know that I will be finishing his water for him.

Drink 5: Vitamin Water "Endurance" ($1.59). Having done little in the way of preparation for this God-forsaken hour, I turn now to my original drink of choice. Perhaps I should re-title my little segment "four drink maximum" or "Mackenzie is an effing lightweight."