27 DRESSES

A tulle catastrophe

By POLLY FURTH

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Here are some things to do on a Friday night that are preferable to seeing 27 Dresses: get a colonoscopy, file tax forms, stab yourself repeatedly in the eyes. Neither romantic nor comedic, 27 Dresses is a slap in the face for romantic comedies and the idealists who love them. With all the wit of a Hallmark card and the believability of an eHarmony ad, 27 Dresses manages to be as forgettable as it is trite.

The plot resembles a mathematical formula: take one beautiful pushover, add two hunks, divide by unrequited love, multiply by self-discovery ... and the result is just boredom. Jane (Katherine Heigl) has cheerfully been a bridesmaid 27 times, but she now faces the wedding of her nightmares: her manipulative little sister, Tess (Malin Akerman), is marrying Jane's boss and secret crush, George (Ed Burns). Enter charming reporter Kevin (James Marsden), who falls for Jane while writing an exposé on her eternal bridesmaid-hood. Will our heroine ever stand up for herself? Will Jane's 28th dress be just another maid of honor gown, or could it possibly be her very own Vera Wang fantasy? (SPOILER: it's exactly as predictable as it sounds.)

The acting is the least of 27 Dresses' problems, with unremarkable performances by all. What cements the movie's failure is the script written by Aline Brosh McKenna. How this woman, who penned the snappy, smart screenplay for The Devil Wears Prada, could have stayed awake while writing such cripplingly dull sentences is a miracle in itself. The lines ("I think there's a chance I could be falling in love with you") reduce otherwise comically talented actors Heigl and Marsden to paper dolls. In what I assume to be an attempt at character development, Jane waffles between being a doormat and a vengeful bitch, which succeeds at making her, along with every other character, irritating as hell.

Maybe the most insulting part of 27 Dresses is its anti-feminism. Jane, a personal assistant, appears to have no life goals beyond marriage. Not only her hopes, but her interests, hobbies and pursuits center on matrimony (for instance, the only part of the newspaper that she reads is the wedding announcements). Jane's obsession with the perfect wedding day makes her seem not hopelessly romantic, but superficial and pathetic. Whether you're a sap or a cynic, I recommend skipping 27 Dresses for something of more substance. Like, say, a Twinkie.

27 DRESSES

RATED | PG-13

OPENS | 1.18.08