Dear, dear Governor Sanford

By Dargus on Thu, Jun 25, 2009 3:13 pm

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When apologizing publically to your wife and constituents, here's a rough list of things you should probably avoid mentioning:

1. Your experience, even that which falls within your college years, of working across national borders without a work visa. This goes double for high-ranking, GOP president-hopefuls.

2. That you were exhausted by your own efforts to turn down federal stimulus money.

3. That you lied to a reporter by omission. A reporter with the wherewithal to stake-out Atlanta's airport waiting for your sorry-ass admission, which was only an infinitesimal part of the story.

4. Letting your family down. A public apology just doesn't cut it. Ever. You entered a tryst, chose to end it over Father's Day weekend. Say it to their faces, Pops, and keep the political "save face" limited to your now-limited political career.

5. The press and essentially blaming them for the timeline in which you were forced to apologize. It's not our fucking fault, Governor. It's your fucking that is at fault.

6. That you let you staff down, when what you did in fact do was not just let them down, but make a public mockery of their office and credibility.

7. Good friends who may or may not have slept in your kids' dinosaur sheets. And, whether or not it may have occurred to you in your downward spiral, few people want to be associated with your good name at the moment. Best leave 'em and your kiddies' sheets out of it.

8. Your in-laws. They're disappointed in you too, move along.

9. God, or his laws that you blatantly disregarded, you future hell-dwelling sinner, you.

10. People of faith, across South Carolina and the US of A. There are only Ten Commandments, man. You lost your way around No. 7, as many have before you. But as a lapsed Episcopalian, I sure as hell take offense to your dragging me into this.

11. That it all began very innocently. You first betrayed your wife by emotionally cheating over such exchanges with a dear woman friend in Argentina. Then, then, you cheated in the most Biblical of senses. Do not qualify your actions here, sir.

12. A third, maybe fourth mention of your friend, Tom Davis. Throw him a lifeline, by omitting your association with him. At this moment, you're extending a noose.

13. That all you can do is apologize. No. You could have done many things, said many things. But you did not. The only thing you can do now is keep your penis to yourself, keep your damn trap shut and wrap this up quickly. Oh, we're not yet halfway through ...

14. A request for a "zone of privacy." Do define, cuckolding minister of poorly-crafted lies, do define.

15. The press, again, and their willingness to broadcast your moronic ne'er-do-well behavior across headlines. I'm going to give you the advice that if you'd like the press to stay out of your business, that your business end not fly into Buenos Aires three weeks after you display nationally a general wealth of silliness regarding your own state's matters.

16. A need to "clear out more time" in your schedule for reconciliation. Dude, you already took a week off ...

And in the Q&A sesh:

1. C-Street, the Christian congressional watchdog group that you at one time participated in and learned NOTHING from.

2. The fact that you're going to divulge the in and outs of your affair with "way more detail than [we'll] ever want."

3. That this all was eight years in the making.

4. "Sparking" as a euphemism for doing it.

5. That you spent the last five days "crying in Argentina." Man up, or whatever it is your conservative cronies would tell you. You know what, no. Just man up in general.