Oh, Howie.

By Media Farm on Tue, Jun 16, 2009 4:35 pm

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This life lesson on how not to exist brought to you by Howie Carr's column.

Here's a tip, kids: If you're making fun of how antiquated your rival paper is, maybe you shouldn't scoff at how it's worth one dollar, and then add, "eight bits!"

You knew Howie Carr was old, but did you know he flew here from the 19th century?

Also, don't deride other reporters' "tastefully weathered summer homes on Nantucket" when you live in Wellesley.

Don't sarcastically call Pinch Sulzberger a "shrewd operator" when Pat Purcell writes your paychecks

Stay away from reference to the "Lucky Sperm" contest, lest you want your own imperfect genes to be closely analyzed

And, how can we top this, from one Herald commenter?:

"Yet more breathtaking irony. Howie using the term 'Donuts' in one of his derogatory, smart-ass monikers for someone else. Even better, he invokes the notion of 'writers who can't write.' Good God, you can't possibly make this stuff up."

Indeed, you can't. Only Howie can.

This life lesson on how not to exist brought to you by Carr's column, The Globe for Just $1? Somebody Pinch Me.  We would, but we're out of Purell.