etc everywhere.

Dear Jeebus! skirt! magazine. in the may 2008 edition they're all like, "USE AN EXOTIC NICKNAME AT STARBUCKS"...give me a fucking break. "Always irreverent and sometimes controversial", huh? one article implores women to stop degrading their bodies with criticism (especially in public! ooh!) only for the reader to turn the page and see an ad for cosmetic surgery. there's only one thing left to do: write a soapbox about it! Note to skirt!: Drop the fucking exclamation point. Who are you, Panic! At! The Disco!? And yes, I know they dropped theirs, but they at least help the case of why women are awesome.

Strictly For My Diggaz: Stuff I'm Thinking About, Namely, Now.

By MelissaTheKeytar on Sat, Apr 26, 2008 7:28 pm

Just so you all fucking know, I HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING FOR THE DIG. And Cara Bayles, if you are ignoring me, I doth quote Mariah Carey: I will hunt you down. No need to touch my body, however. Just please check your email soon.

Guess who I'm besties with? Clue: Brian of the Dresden Dolls. He's willing to go with me to get my first tattoo, so can I haz interview plz?

Court's in your balls, David Day. And if anyone cares, I'm starting a one-woman band because I rule your mother's face (I have the deed and everything). Lastly, I'm not trying to be nut-shaving cheese grater but "The Burn Unit" > "The Big Hurt". But I guess being disappointed by DAVIDS IN NOTHING NEW *ahema&eeditor/father*

Yay. Dinner's ready.

With Love, Mick Jagger

Let Me Hear You Depoliticize My Rhymes

By MelissaTheKeytar on Wed, Apr 9, 2008 3:37 pm

This is a poem I wrote on the #39 bus, in awe (and trepidation) of all the white people around me. Man, there sure are a BUNCH of those mofos. Anyway, I read this at a poetry slam at school and recited it (by heart, thank you) to two suits at a Starbucks in Allston/Brighton/Brallston/Wherever. Here it is: White People White people Everywhere I look is White People Alabster skin Flaxen hair They're multiplying! They're everywhere! White people Everywhere I seem to be is White people Looking at me White people How did this all happen? When did it all begin? I'm sure to meet my demise in those blue eyes BEWARE OF FAIR SKIN! White people Why does there have to be so many White people I don't know what this is about But it's creeping me out More and more everyday They just won't go away White people. I smell a Pulitzer...

Just A Jamaica Plain Jane

By MelissaTheKeytar on Fri, Mar 28, 2008 4:39 pm

I have a new apartment in JP. It's wonderful. And there's intermittent reggaeton with extra bass that drives down my street.

Eat that, haters.

Actually, nobody's hating...

But as a young, angst-filled black woman, it is imperative that I rep my hood. Of course I don't want to be some kind of poseur. I just moved in yesterday.

Regardless...

DAVID DAY!!! Haha, gotcha!

OMGZZ MELISSUH IZ TEH KRAZIEEZ

By MelissaTheKeytar on Tue, Mar 11, 2008 7:56 pm

Okay, so I am gonna be a man about it. When I first met Laura and David at the WDHQ, I thought David was cute. And then I thought being apart of the Weekly Dig Squad (and being the youngest freelancer) I would create this immature, teenage/fangirl persona online, just so the website wouldn't be all like blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. But apparently, I've gained nothing but contempt, raised eyebrows, and the moniker "Crazy Melissa" (which is the same one I got three years when I was diagnosed with a mental illness...BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!)

The point is, I made statements that made people feel uncomfortable. It's like cyber sexual harassment, even if I was just joking around. So Dave, I'm sorry for being mad sketchy and shit. I guess am a stupid teenager/fangirl/rookie/newb after all.

But I DETEST being known as "Crazy Melissa."

You could've just said, "Crazy Melissa Who is Awesome, Pretty, Thin, and an Amazing Writer." That's not too much to ask, right?

So there will be no more "OMGZZ DAVID DAY IZ TEH HAWT!!!111" or anything like that.

Hell, there might not be anything at all.

Hmm. Maybe journalism isn't for me...I hear prostitution is where the moolah's at.

Oh and shout out to my homegirl Lissa. Hope things are well!

'Kay, you can stop reading now.

OMGZZ DAVID DAY IZ TEH HAWT!!!1111 (Part the Third)

By MelissaTheKeytar on Mon, Feb 25, 2008 12:06 pm

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So what if I procrastinated the entire vacation week? Well, actually, I printed out two college applications and I read some William Blake and went to this interview thing and unfriended my (former) friend on Facebook and Livejournal. Also, I got my hair did...

But it all seems useless without David Day...sigh...

Next month I'm headed to New York to read at this feminist bookstore, Bluestocking. I don't know if I'm going to read this essay I wrote or write a new piece. I haven't written anything in forever. Many thanks to Janice Erlbaum, who is actually coming to Cambridge at the Center for New Words. I call dibs on covering that event, bytches!

In conclusion, this post has really nothing much to do with David Day.

Nevertheless, the man is sex.

OMGZZ DAVID DAY IZ TEH HAWT!!!11 (Part the Second)

By MelissaTheKeytar on Sat, Feb 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Here's a little song I wrote...I mean, I'm writing right now....or something:

I loves me some David Day/more than Mika likes denying he's gay/more than pointy nipples on a brisk, cold day/Can't enough of my David Day

You make the world alright/when I'm not strong/can't carry on/you urge me to keep up the fight/and one look in your eyes/you're now like other guys

You don't

-Try to put a spin on things, like calling blowjobs "oral masturbating"

-When I want the last of the Cheetos, there's no debating

- And my journalism career is just cultivating!

So David Day, before I go

There's something that I really want you to know

If you're a king looking for a queen...

Last September, I just turned eighteen

So you ain't gotta wait cos I ain't jail bait so let's get it straight...

I love you, David Day.

OMGZZ DAVID DAY IZ TEH HAWT! (Part I)

By MelissaTheKeytar on Fri, Feb 22, 2008 8:26 pm

Open Letter to David Day:

Dear David,

I don't want things to be weird but you're a very handsome man. You are also smart, funny, charming, tall, and you smoke cigarettes yet you smell good. You have a cordial demeanor and a cute ass. Granted, I'm only 18, but I would like to have your children, and get married on top of a mountain and start a family band and travel around in a colorful bus...and nobody would invited! Also, I think you would like my dad. His name is also David and he is from Trinidad (which obviously you are, too...right?)

Nota Bene: I do not wish to A) Ravish/buttfuck you, B)Pursue some weird Lolita type shit with you.

Just know that...er...if black people blushed, I would be absolutely scarlet right now.

kthnx

I'm totally tapped out of writing.

By MelissaTheKeytar on Fri, Feb 8, 2008 11:09 am

Dear Anyone,

For months now I've been trying to write: poems, songs, essays, dissertations, plays and I've been dryer than...well, something really dry (see?). I have no inspiration and at my last poetry class, I sobbed for a good fifteen minutes after falling asleep in the middle of class. The thing is, people are making me feel obligated to have all these opinions about the world and articulate them. Some dude on the Internet said, "Properly seasoned she [Melissa Saunders] could be the next Maya Angelou.." or some shit like that. I'm the youngest freelancer for the Dig and I don't want to let everyone down by not contributing nothing. I just cannot write anything...anything! You know what I did yesterday instead of writing (and economics homework)...I looked at pictures of Amy Winehouse on tmz.com (she's fugly but I heart her). Have I become an Amy Winehouse in my own mind? Why am I in such a funk?

Okay, I'm going to share a little with you guys: I'm on about 50 billion medications that I seriously think impair my mental processes. And I'm pretty much forced to take them. I know if I weren't on them, I could have this totally creative influx...awww fuck.

So, Dig, I'm sorry I haven't been on top of my game. But give me a chance.

Oh, and I might have some weird shit in my uterus. :-(

All teh best (no typo),

Melissa

Mundane Reasons Not to Kill Oneself

By MelissaTheKeytar on Wed, Jan 30, 2008 1:40 pm