Rambles

This just in: Clay Aiken is gay, according to People Magazine, putting all rumors to rest and making me feel safe that he won't steal my girlfriend with his angelical voice and blue eyes that turn my heart into a butterfly. What?

I bought a bicycle from some guy on Craigslist this weekend. It's a green Raleigh from the 60s with a leather saddle. I already broke it. I think I'm the opposite of Midas, where everything I touch turns to rust and falls apart at the seams. I've since reignited my old romance with the bus.

In other news, Somerville High School boys' soccer lost to Everett High School 4-1 at Dilboy Stadium yesterday. What great entertainment. If I was homeless, I'd grab a couple nips or a bottle of Mickey's, head to the field and get rocked watching kids kick a leather balloon around a patch of grass, sometimes even into a giant net! Hooray. Then, I'd find a leafy bush in the back of the stadium, and take a behind nap it.

Last but not least, who's excited for the premier of Gary Unmarried on CBS tonight? Jay Mohr hasn't had a part this nonsensical since Paulie, where he played a bird. I think Paulie has more merit, due to the acting prowess of a sober Cheech Marin. Cheech made me laugh so hard in Nice Dreams. Why do seminal funnymen always go soft.

"I've got to pay bills, Patrick," Robin Williams says.

"What bills? C'mon, why Flubber?"

"The electricity, heat."

"What about the one with the priest and Jim from The Office?"

"Car insurance."

I'm sorry that fake conversation was irrelevant.