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InBev finally buys Anheuser-Busch. You think frat boys in this country are upset? Belgian barflies are weeping into their fine craft beers. MINUS 1

The MBTA reports that since 2008, there's been a boost in theft and sexual harassment incidents, but a decrease in violent crime (there's plenty of that going on aboveground, though, so we probably shouldn't pat ourselves on the back about the subterranean dip). MINUS 1

A swarm of Massachusetts mothers and humiliated short people flood children's stores this week after the passage of a new law, which forces children under the age of eight and adults under 4 feet 9 inches to sit in a booster chair while in a car. PLUS 1

Ted Kennedy makes a surprise return to the Senate to vote on a healthcare bill. Watch out, Repubs, Teddy's back! PLUS 1

Two bolts of lightning strike several blocks away from one another in Wellesley, both starting fires. Apparently, Zeus hates brothels. MINUS 1

A SHARK was spotted off Martha's Vineyard!! SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER!!! Oh, wait, false alarm. And this time it wasn't the stupid Aquarium. PLUS 1

The governor signs the budget for fiscal year '09, or as we like to call it, the yearly miracle. Patrick vetoed $120 million in earmarks, which is triple his cuts last year. But it's still not enough for the massive deficit, and Patrick wants the power to implement further cuts throughout the year, just like they did for our last benevolent dictator, Mitt Romney. MINUS 1

Barack Obama tells a crowd in San Diego that, "there is little doubt we've moved into a recession." This guy. Such a kidder. PLUS 1

Oh, speaking of which, small towns are seeking cost-cutting methods like four-day work weeks, renewable energy practices and even shuttering city halls this winter. Oh yeah, Obama, now we see what you're getting at. PRECESSION OVER! OH SHIT! MINUS 1

The Herald reports that MBTA General Manager Dan Grabauskas has been showing up at "Dump the Pump" events in his SUV. (Don't worry! It's a hybrid!) Should we really care? Should we give the Herald credit for successfully stalking a government official? What is news again? We're starting to forget. Is it like People Magazine, but for less attractive people with state salaries? ... so ... confused ... EVEN

Harvard will allow Allston residents to use its pool. That should shut 'em up for a while, right? PLUS 2

A "prophet sent from God" attacked a Planned Parenthood security guard on Comm. Ave. last week. What would Jesus do? Jesus would obviously punch a man while screaming, "This is a baby-killing place!" MINUS 1

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: EVEN

LAST WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 4