Bean Counter

By Dig Staff

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A disgusting dead monster washes up on Montauk. It looks like a hairless pig/bird/turtle/rodent/dog/raccoon with a sunburn (look it up ... not while you're eating). Nobody knows what it is or where it came from, but Plum Island, an animal testing facility, is just a couple miles off-shore. Mystery! Excitement! PLUS 1

The state's nonprofit lending authority couldn't get enough money this year due to turmoil in the credit market, meaning 40,000 college students won't get student loans. MINUS 1

John McCain launches negative campaign ads comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, a scathing critique of Obama's good looks and popularity among the young electorate. Zing! EVEN

Meanwhile, Obama came to Boston for his birthday, with a cover charge of $15,000 a head for the festivities. Remember radical grassroots fundraising? Remember campaign finance reform? Yeah ... we don't either. MINUS 1

Did anyone else see all those headlines that said "Sox trade Manny for Pirates' Bay" and think that the team had acquired ocean real estate and perhaps some buried treasure? PLUS 1

So they finally found "Clark Rockefeller," using the pseudonym "Chip Smith" (he apparently has an affinity for flashy, WASPy names) and purchasing a $45,000 (cash money!) carriage house for him and his kidnapped daughter to live in. The cops caught him, and little Reigh, aka "Snooks" (really), is back with her mom. Have you noticed that kid has this deranged look on her face in every photograph? Really, who kidnapped who, here? EVEN

The Boston Globe reports that mosquitoes with West Nile virus were found in the city. This is apparently different news from when they were found in Brookline and Worchester earlier this month. Newsflash: Mosquitoes fly. MINUS 1

Researchers in California found two drugs that produce the same effects as exercise. Awesome, because we're running out of excuses for not hitting the gym. PLUS 2

A photo turned up of Sen. John Kerry surrounded by (and holding up) some drunk college-age ladies. Kerry denies he was partying with them, and says he was simply approached for a photo-op. Sure, and we spent spring break studying hard. PLUS 1

The Somerville Journal reports that wearing two pairs of pants is the newest look for "drug dealers." In related news, home heating costs are expected to reach $3,000 in 2009, so we'll all be rocking that look soon. MINUS 2

According to a survey by AOL, 62 percent of Bostonians have checked their email in the bathroom. Gross. We'll keep that in mind when we ask a friend if we can hop on their computer for a sec. MINUS 1

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 1

LAST WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 8