B-SIDE LOUNGE

92 HAMPSHIRE ST., CAMBRIDGE. 617.354.0766 BSIDELOUNGE.COM

By DAVID DAY

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To the drinking novice, the B-Side Lounge could be very intimidating: The permanent martini coolers dripping with condensation, the stacked drink menu listed in order of liquor type and the well-kept yet scruffy crowd. Thankfully, I am a drinking novice like the sky is a neon yellow-green. This was going to be fun. Bartender Dave, who some say is the greatest in town, welcomed me with his glowing smile and shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal tattooed arms. My friends had yet to arrive, so I took a seat at the back end of the bar and he handed me the drink menu as if it were Holy Bible—which, to him, it kinda is.

Drink 1: Sazerac ($8). Dave's favorite cocktail should be your favorite cocktail. Sazerac is one of the oldest known concoctions, but it doesn't taste like your granddad's Sidecar—it tastes like platinum honeysuckle dripped from the mouth of Jesus. It's a Pernod-laced glass filled with rye whiskey, simple syrup and New Orleans' own Peychaud's Bitters, evidently known to cure stomach ailments. "Most bitters are," Dave says. "We have one bottle that includes a recipe for a flatulence deterrent." I tell him I had gas once in the UK and picked up the British version of Gas-X. It's called Wind-Eeze.

Drink 2: Catalina ($7.50). At this point, two fine ladies sit near me and pull out matching crossword puzzles as an after-work depressurizer. One of them, Cat, orders a drink. I have the same. "It's called a Catalina—vodka and soda with a splash of cranberry," she says. "Dave doesn't like it because it's not an actual drink." "It will get you drunk, though," Dave says with a wink. Cat informs me she invented it in an effort to shed some calories. "Cat-a-lean-a, get it?" I get it.

Drink 3: Windsor Hi-Lo ($10). My friends Jared and Casey show up and we're about to get blotto with this monstrosity. The Hi-Lo is actually two drinks, an iced shot of Chartreuse—which is a retarted 130-ingredient shot of jet fuel created by French monks—alongside a tallboy of Schlitz. Cat says, "Why can't a girl drink beer at the beach?" "I don't know," I say. "Because she'll get sand in her Schlitz." I laugh. "It also works with Busch." I inquire if this is the highest-proof liquor they have and Dave says, "We have some barrel-proof Bourbon downstairs that is stronger." Holy moley.

Drink 4: Ms. Mullet ($8.50). This has now become the six-drink minimum and my notes are starting to feel it. Ms. Mullet is a Woo Woo shot (vodka, peach liqueur and cranberry) paired with a Coors Light in one of those stupid "cold-activated" bottles. Jared says: "It tastes like a trailer park with chlamydia."

Drink 5: Tommy Noble ($9). We ask Dave to make us a drink whose ingredients started with F T W (For The Win). He made one that used Frangelico, Tuaca and Wild Turkey. Holy fuck did that not work. So we flip the script and get Dave's own original creation—which of course is off of the freakin' chain. The Tommy Noble, named after the notoriously bad boxer, is Pimm's, Plymouth gin, and lemon and orange bitters that Dave makes at his own home. Bartenders that make their own bitters ...