Dubious journalism: It’s a trend!

By MEDIA FARM

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WHY ARE NEWSPAPERS DEAD? (Yeah, we just upgraded them from dying to dead. You want to argue?) Beats the shit out of us. There's tons of worthwhile stuff to read out there. There aren't many dollars left to go around, but everybody who's cashing a paycheck these days is fighting the good fight. Striking a blow against irrelevance. Saving what's left of the industry, one precious word at a time.

Check that. Two weeks ago, the Globe broke a story about how T-shirts aren't just "cool" ... they're also art! Don't believe us? Just ask some guy from Somerville who an intrepid reporter found on facebook. This guy's apparently an authority because his profile says he likes T-shirts ... and he can pontificate. Observe: "Being able to have the visual creations of others that would normally be seen spray-painted on a wall or hung in a gallery on your chest says a lot about a person."

Yes! God, so true. What people wear says so much about them (like how much they're willing to spend on what they wear). And sometimes when Media Farm goes to an art gallery, we rip the canvas from the frame and roll around in it. So not only is the Globe reporting on breaking trends, it's like they know us.

Journalism: saved.

IT DOESN'T END with the discovery of T-shirts. The Globe's relentless trend machine stumbled upon the phenomenon of guys with shitty haircuts last week. The fat Pulitzer check, no doubt, is already in the mail.

According to popular theory, parting your hair on the left reveals a tendency toward logical, left-brain thinking. Parting it on the right suggests a more artistic, intuitive bent. But the modern man prides himself on drawing from both sides. That might explain the enduring appeal of the fauxhawk ... The slight, sculpted crest that represents a civilized simulation of the ancient-warrior, punk-rock Mohawk speaks volumes about the wearer, who demonstrably straddles the fence between conformity and nonconformity: I'm a team player with an unrepentant dash of mischief. I may be rumpled, but I clean up nice ... The fauxhawk implies that its wearer is perfectly capable of being an upstanding member of society. With a little help from his hair wax.

Next week in the Globe: Anything that three or more people are doing, with commentary by someone tangentially connected to or interested in the anything in question, written by whoever's willing to trade their sense of self-worth for next month's rent money. It's gonna be hot!

MORE EXERCISES IN DUBIOUSNESS: On Sunday, City Weekly re-explained the fates of the crumbling BU and Longfellow bridges, wondering, "What if Boston lost its links to its brainy northern neighbor?" The paper only waited twenty paragraphs before mentioning that five other bridges connect Boston and Cambridge.

AND NO, IT'S not just a Boston thing. The New York Times Sunday Style section, a cheat sheet for bygone trends and the problems of the very very wealthy, also blew our mind. You know this tiny little total economic failure the country is wadding through? Maybe you heard about people losing their homes and jobs on the days when papers felt like covering news? Well, it's hurting rich people, too. You see, there's an influx of foreign tourists, whose currency is strong against the drooping dollar, and they're visiting New York in droves. You'd think that would be a good thing. You'd be wrong:

An infusion of foreign money is welcome in a city faced with a wobbly economy and a possible budget gap in the billions. But even some locals who consider themselves cosmopolitan and internationalist confess to feeling envy, not to mention territorialism, in watching a outsiders [sic] treat their city like a Wal-Mart of hip.

Wow. We had no idea. Damn foreigners coming in and boosting our economy! It must be hard for these cosmopolitans to whip out the rulers and find that they just don't measure up. Is there some kind of charity we can give to? Rags for Riches, perhaps?

SUCKAGE ISN'T LIMITED to newspapers, either ... TV news is toddling after, shouting "Wait for me, guys!" WHDH recently did a "Special Report" entitled "Edible Insects," which feels like one long ominous music video ... except, true to form, the Night Team's Ryan Schulteis alternates between setting the story to Muzak and techno. Did you know bugs are an excellent source of protein? Did you know their legs can get stuck in your teeth? Did you known children in Burlington recently ate bugs? No? Well, how the fuck do you get through your day without knowing about the world you live in. For shame! You've killed journalism!