THIS WEEK IN TRAGIC MISTAKES ...

By Media Farm

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FIREFIGHTERS HAVE BEEN railing an unending battle against the mayor these days. Menino, it seems, wants to use the opportunity of union contract negotiations to force mandatory drug tests, so the union pretty much hates him. You'd think the firefighters would be careful and, you know, stay out of the news, keep their noses clean. But really, who can resist the smell of prostitution, drugs and bodybuilding competitions? C'mon, admit it, even when you read that, you took a deep, deep sniff, hoping to get a whiff of some muscle grease.

The latest embarrassment for the union occurred on Thursday, when a Newton firefighter was arrested for heroin possession, while, seemingly across town, marijuana shows up in Fire Chief Joe LaCroix'd city-issued car. ... (Newton: The sketchiest of the idyllic wealthy suburbs.)

Well the Globe covered it, like a good little daily, and they even called Lisle Baker, president of the Newton Board of Aldermen:

Lisle Baker, president of the Newton Board of Aldermen, said last night that the allegations, if true, show the necessity for random testing, not only for individual firefighters' safety, but also for the safety of the people with whom they work.

"If you have no problems, there should be no reason not to test," he said. "It's for firefighters' safety."

Except, that wasn't Lisle Baker. It was Robert Baker, who holds the title of Some Guy with the Last Name Baker Who Is Listed in the Phonebook.

Alderman Baker told the Newton Tab, "Someone had looked me up, and got the phone number for Baker, but it was not my phone number, but the phone number of someone with the same last name. When he called last night, he assumed that he was talking with me when the person identified himself as Mr. Baker. In fact, he was apparently talking with someone of the same last name (but not me), who gave him the statement the reporter mistakenly attributed to me."

No doubt, this was just a rookie mistake, but with everything that can go wrong in reporting a story, you think someone would have told the kid to ask, "is this Alderman Baker?" It also makes you wonder who the hell this random guy was, who had absolutely no connection with the case, yet feels very very strongly that we should collect urine samples, and was happy to opine to the Globe. Maybe he should run for Alderman. Then the Globe could retract their correction.

LAST WEEK, both the Herald and the Globe featured front-page jailhouse interviews with (allegedly!) batshit crazy criminals. Whose get was actually worth getting? Let's go to the tale of the tape and find out.

Perp

Globe: Amnesiac kidnapper/high society con man/possible murderer Clark Rockefeller

Herald: Sexcapading slamball player/alleged domestic batterer Ivan Lattimore

Perp's aliases

Globe: Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter, Christopher Crowe, Christopher Chichester

Herald: "That creepy fucking goon"

Advantage: Globe

Degree of difficulty

Globe: Reporters are allowed to interview perp at length, provided they not discuss anything his lawyer doesn't want discussed.

Herald: Would you want to be stuck in a cell with that creepy fucking goon?

Advantage: Herald

Lede

Globe: "He burst into the room smiling, with the cheerful demeanor of a host welcoming guests to a party. 'Clark Rockefeller,' he said, fixing his gaze on a visitor and extending a hand."

Herald: "Accused batterer Ivan Lattimore, the slamball player behind bars on charges of beating up Channel 7 sports reporter Julie Donaldson, says he still loves the former beauty queen—and has the sex tape to prove it."

Advantage: Herald

Dramatic stage-setting

Globe: "His nails were manicured. He wore tasseled loafers with his gray, jail-issued scrubs. He turned to another visitor and another, bowing slightly to each."

Herald: "He also read aloud from several letters he penned to the Herald, his handcuffed hands fumbling with the sheets."

Advantage: Push

Cultural significance

Rockefeller conned high-society elites. Lattimore chased group sex, and settled for battering a television sports anchor.

Advantage: Globe

Craziness unleashed for purposes of publication

Globe: "We had such a wonderful time. It was my six days of being—well, it was like a trance. It was so wonderful. It was so great to be with my daughter again ... I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to remember. I don't lose much thought over it."

Herald: "There's no need to put [the sex tape] into the public eye. I do not want to harm this girl's career. That is much more important to me than even my own freedom ... I know she wants to know if I'm mad at her. I'm not mad at her."

Advantage: Herald

Invocations of the third person

Globe: None.

Herald: "I will change my life drastically. Drinking out of control like I have is going to be the big change ... Too much alcohol and Ivan do not work together."

Advantage: Herald

In the final tally, Rockefeller's refusal to discuss his murderous past or shoot a sex tape takes its toll. Herald 4, Globe 2.

AND IT'S OFFICIAL, we're in a recession: The Boston Phoenix sold an ad on their cover, joining the likes of the NY Press and the Boston Metro, willingly admitting in the process, "We're fucked!"