Our Dumb-Shit Quick-Fix World

By Brennon Slattery

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The mental health industry is the latest victim of our addiction to corner-cutting, now that computer programs threaten to replace traditional talk-therapy. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence in London gave the big thumbs up to two computer-based applications; one of them, FearFighter, teaches "patients"—can we call them that at this juncture?—to recognize the signs that trigger panic attacks and phobias and then cope with them. FearFighter is being flaunted as "perfect for the time-crunched."

Online therapy is another huge hit for pocket-liners but a sorry blow to the integrity of regulated care. Counseling exists in a gray area as is, rife with unlicensed therapists stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from Medicaid; once situated on the web—the entrepreneur's orgy—anyone dumb enough to believe could fall prey to manipulative individuals.

The most recent development in this opportunistic trend hails from the Golden State of idiots: California. Dr. John Kelsoe claims to have discovered the biological roots of bipolar disorder, a mood disturbance affecting 2.3 million Americans that can lead to suicide if left untreated. So he does what all good Americans would do: cashes in.

For $399, Kelsoe's La Jolla-based company, Psynomics, will send you a cup to spit in. Return your spit to their labs and they'll mail the results to your doctor—all to avoid self-analysis, God forbid. Then you can see how crazy you really are! Except Kelsoe himself says the presence of these gene variations does not at all mean the disease has or will manifest itself.

Bipolar disorder is notoriously difficult to peg. Until recently, diagnosis came only from the patient's descriptions of his/her behavior and their therapist's observations. Many psychiatrists identify Bipolar I and II in one hour and write prescriptions the same day.

Then Dr. Alexander Niculescu III, from Indiana University, discovered a blood test that could reveal bipolar disorder in human genetic code. Operative word here is "could"— Niculescu qualified his discovery with the tag "big step forward" and Psynomics' research only proves a patient is "two to three times more likely" to possess the disorder.

Niculescu signifies young children and early adolescents as the prime targets for his research—a noble cause. But if sneaking around the big bad doctor's office develops into the norm, mental disorders may devolve into a closeted monster—much like homosexuality used to be—better dealt with behind drawn curtains and out of the hands of licensed professionals receiving government oversight.

What we have here is a clear-cut case of opportunism at its most depraved, and soon, the slack-jawed lemmings will line up at the cliff's edge to avoid alliance with the stigma of mental disease. These mutations of goodwill serve to intensify the insecurity associated with unwellness, and while that may sound silly coming from the maw of our over-medicated generation, we have to realize we're dealing with a new generation of blood-sucking fiends. We cannot expect to ever understand or come to grips with the information spasming through our synapses if we don't grant ourselves the time or appropriate resources.