Delivered handsomely on stationary with a floral and butterfly motif:

Dear Boston men,

I know that the sack that hangs between your legs is super huge. Believe me, I am appropriately impressed by its girth. So it’s understandable that when you sit (particularly on public transportation) you must spread your legs very far apart to accommodate the massiveness of your giant man melons. I’m sure that the wider your knees are spread apart, the larger the mammoth is that hides beneath your khakis. I completely understand that you need to demonstrate your expansive package by widening the space between your legs—that way everyone knows (in particular, other men) that your sack is the biggest, most impressive, most amazingly large on the MBTA. I don’t hold it against you that, even when seated during the busiest of evening commutes, your knees seem to spread from one side of the car to the other, in order to make room for the ginormous magnificence that rests between. I totally understand that you are not able to move your knee—even the slightest bit—to accommodate my slender frame. Even though your entire right leg is stretched across my seat to a degree that other people might find inconsiderate or even downright rude, those gargantuan testes of yours need every inch of space they can get. I totally understand that your incredible bulge needs room to breathe. Don’t worry your pretty little furry balls about it.

Much love,

an awestruck woman