Unlike hella-high heating bills or an unpleasant eggnog overdose, Kiddie Kroakers is a holiday tradition we enjoy revisiting each year. We hereby present an assortment of the most giftable toys that boasted true cred but unfortunately maimed the focus groups. It’s the next best thing to a motley of Media Farm, our photo captionist — and possibly R. Kelly — babysitting your precious ones, anticipating the tears and soilage to follow.
Ready for playtime? We sure are.
– the Dig
“Vick”ious Fighting Dog
Price | $59.99
Tagline | “Get a pair, watch ’em kill!”
Description | Available in four different breeds, each comes with a mini NFL-sanctioned Vick jersey. Programmable dogs are activated by remote control. Cages not included.
Hazards | Evil soul. Jail time.
Lil’ Countrywide Subprime-A-Thon
Price | $200,000-$300,000
Tagline | “Hours and days and years of hopeless debt!”
Description | Ever wonder what mommy and daddy were shouting about at the top of their lungs deep into the night while you tossed and turned and cried? Well, now you can live it with Countrywide’s kiddie mortgage plan. Complete with overbearing mortgage barons, 4,000 pages to sign and an impossibly heavy “burden of debt.” Easy to qualify.
Hazards | Lifetime of sorrow and misery.
Scooter Libby Punching Bag
Price | $600
Tagline | “Take your best shot, Liberals!”
Description | Inflatable bag silently absorbs punches, kicks and political scandals on behalf of superiors, then bounces back up following presidential pardon.
Hazards | Thick coating of government protection may hurt knuckles after prolonged use.
Stop Snitching: The Board Game
Price | $1.99
Tagline | “Get Smart — Play Dumb.”
Description | The classic tee becomes a game as kids compete to win money and respect by staying silent, while losing points and teeth for attempting to curb crime in their communities.
Hazards | Players may be too intimidated to speak about anything, ever.
MBTA Train Set
Price | $1.70 or free if you can steal it
Tagline | “GAAHhharggghh!!! **#@&*D!!!!”
Description | Model train enthusiasts are challenged to fix Boston’s rapid transit nightmare with authentic touches like screaming commuters and students with huge backpacks and iPods. Can you turn the T from declining Soviet-era death march to functioning transportation system?
Hazards | May cause stress-induced panic attacks — use B Line only with adult supervision.
Larry CraigTM Tap Shoes
Tagline | “Little Bobby a little light in the loafers?”
Description | Make cruising public restrooms a snap with these custom-fit shoes.
Hazards | Not a Republican? Then none.
Piss South Carolina Potty Trainer
Price | $200
Tagline | “Give a Golden Shower to Media’s Golden Girl.”
Description | “Such as … gargle, gargle...” Miss Teen South Carolina shamed us; now shame her. Actual audio clips play when you step in front of the urinal. Aim for the target, fashioned in the likeness of a mouth, and stop the vernacular tragedy from transpiring.
Hazards | The target is an actual mouth, and given its affinity for “dangling” modifiers, you should proceed with caution — it has teeth.
Tickle Me Elmo (R. Kelly Remix)
Price | $40
Tagline | “GIVE THIS TO YOUR 14-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!”
Description | “I’m not ticklish there!” “That tickles a little!” You’ve heard it all before. Why not try “Feeeeelin’ on his boo-oooo-ty” this time around? And what a response you’ll get! Each R. Kelly Remix edition Elmo doll is anatomically correct and responds to stimuli by spouting some smooth signature lovin’.
Hazards | Unimaginable wealth.
Lindsay Lohan Remote-Controlled Car
Price | $25
Tagline | “Sit back and let the booze steer.”
Description | Swerve, speed, flip in your fancy mini-sports car without the hassle of actually controlling it.
Hazards | Ankle injuries, firecrotch.
The Diarrhea of Anne Frank Paperback
Price | $6.99
Tagline | “A loose memoir of WWII bowel movements.”
Description | After a gluttonous evening of chasing chili dogs and milkshakes with blow, young Anne must hold her dump or else be discovered by Nazis. A great toilet read.
Hazards | Makeshift butt-plug scene might frighten children under six.
Operation: Donda West Edition
Price | Yo’ life
Tagline | “Harder, better, faster, stronger than the original.”
Description | The ideal complement to your Cracker Jack medical license. Screw anyone who says it’s too dangerous to play.
Hazards | Losers may be coerced into an embarrassing appearance on Larry King Live.
Price | $249.99
Tagline | “Wii for your only child”
Description | Convince your home-schooled darling that he or she has no need for any social interaction whatsoever.
Hazards | Masturbation game reported to cause seizures.
DIY Compostables “Urban Barnyard” Kit
Price | $49.99, or the thousand used soda cans you’ve saved for this occasion
Tagline | “It even smells eco-friendly!”
Description | Encourage biodynamicism by tossing food scraps, nail clippings and Fido’s “manure” in a box, and voilà — a lush, fertile pile of naturally nutritious … shit.
Hazards | Tapeworm. Very, very stubborn stains.
Price | INVISIBLE MONEY
Tagline | “nom nom nom”
Description | im in ur dreamz, rapin’ ur soulz
Hazards | Noooo they be stealin’ my bucket
Price | $39.99
Tagline | “The most popular Italian trivia game in the world.”
Description | Finally acknowledging that the original Trivial Pursuit was culturally biased against European-Americans, the board game maestros have rolled out a version easy enough for Italians to play.
Hazards | Easy to choke on fatty domestic mortadella wedges.
Price | Confidential
Tagline | “Eating toilet mints in style.”
Description | Check out what Burton’s done to the US military’s favorite torture method!
Hazards | Death.
Sesame Street: Vol. 2 – Old School (1974-1979) DVD
Price | $26.99
Tagline | “Turn your kid into a pipe-smoking, carb-munching homo.”
Description | We don’t get it either, but apparently this thing couldn’t be any more destructive to kids if it were covered in lead paint and Magic Johnson’s semen.
Hazards | The possibility that your kids, nieces and nephews might turn out as fucked up as you.
Fake bin Laden Dress-up Set
Price | $39.99
Tagline | “Look, mommy, I’m in a clandestine military operation!”
Description | Pretend to be bin Laden, just like the CIA does on TV. Change your mustache, turban, age and right/left handedness in this complete set.
Hazards | Will probably be shot and killed on sight.
Marblesmouth Menino Playset
Price | $24.99
Tagline | [garbled mumblings]
Description | Stuff those marbles until you can’t move your lips, then run for office and never again work in the private sector. Make campaign promises no one can hold you to because no one knows what you’re saying.
Hazards | Choking.
American History Xbox
Price | $449.99
Tagline | “Kick that old system to the curb.”
Description | Just like every other Xbox, but with a neon green swastika. Ten dollars from the sale of every American History Xbox goes toward reversing the past half-century of race relations in America.
Hazards | Life without parole. Sodomy.
George W.’s “Heart-O-Sewage”
Price | $666.00
Tagline | “Learn to run an entire population of people into the ditch!”
Description | Sometimes, it’s hard to understand the president when he does nothing about national disasters, his eight years noted for getting a scar on his face or sending thousands to die and killing innocents under a punishing desert sun. But now you can with the Dubya’s “Heart-O-Sewage.”
Hazards | Not compatible with Nancy Pelosi’s “Brain-O-Mush.”
Fisher-Price® Privacy Tombstone
Price | Soul
Tagline | “We’ll watch you bury privacy.”
Description | Have fun burying your right to privacy! Flammable Bill of Rights and annotating chalk kit included.
Hazards | Artificial tomb grass not safe to smoke.
Price | $15.99
Tagline | “I vant to suck your blood.”
Description | The lurching, leering, sallow presidential candidate comes to life in this miniature replica.
Hazards | Is, in fact, a real ghoul.
My Toy Torre
Price | $4.3 million/year
Tagline | “Now with vengeful wrath.”
Description | An intimidating (but vacuous) impersonation bot. Prostate not included.
Hazards | Could crush you with an overly inflated payroll.
My Little Obese Pony
Price | $6 or two bags of Funyuns
Tagline | “Are you gonna eat that?”
Description | With an articulated jaw and expanding polymer gut, My Little Obese Pony consumes the calories little flabby Franny shouldn’t.
Hazards | Malnutrition. Eating disorders.
See ‘n Say Txt Msg Edition
Price | $50
Tagline | “The farmer says, LOL!”
Description | Point the arrow to fun, irreverent characters to learn text abbreviations like “OMG,” “IDK,” and “WTF.”
Hazards | May retard normal language development.
Play-Doh IED Kit
Price | $12.99
Tagline | “Death to American infidels!”
Description | Craft your own improvised explosive devices and fight the American imperialists! Dog carcass sold separately.
Hazards | Possible sloppy seconds on the 40 thousand virgins.
Ugueth Urbina Mini Machete
Price | $50
Tagline | “Cattle get electrified prods — indentured servants get the machete!”
Description | Bean balls ain’t got nothin’ on this stainless steel pseudo-ax. Snap your wrist like you’re throwin’ a curve, and watch the limbs fly.
Hazards | Hot stoves. Tommy John surgery. End of your career.
My Size Dumbledore Action Figure
Price | $500
Tagline | “Thank Heaven for little boyyyyyys!”
Description | Have your very own Headmaster for all your sleepovers with your little buddies. Wand sold separately.
Hazards | Molestation when you play with his Pensieve.
Toddler Trust Fund
Price | $1,000,000
Tagline | “Prepare them for a lifetime of failure capitalized on reality TV.”
Description | Spoil ’em rotten with a trendy wardrobe, taste for tacky refinement, limited intellectual capabilities and obnoxious persona.
Hazards | DUIs. Zero life skills.
Fung Wah Safety Lighter
Price | $15
Tagline | “Won’t you take me to … Chinatoooown.”
Description | Cheap but busted bus-shaped lighter that seldom works when you want it to, and explodes on occasion. Comes with your choice of smell: greasy stir fry or broken toilets.
Hazards | Abandonment. Death.
Holiday Shopping Cart Chariot
Price | $79.99 (on sale now!)
Tagline | “Fightus forda rightas to spendius!”
Description | Teach your child the right way to shop for sales: like a Roman gladiator with no mercy.
Hazards | Beheadings. Tramplings.
Uncle Boozy Pez Dispenser
Price | $1
Tagline | “Sweet ‘n sour.”
Description | Vomit-flavored Pez protrudes from Wino Wally’s neck!
Hazards | Some candy may contain trace amounts of cocaine.
Mommy and Daddy, Please Don’t Fight Bedtime CD
Price | $19.99 or free with purchase of “Lil’ Countrywide Subprime-A-Thon”
Tagline | “Good for hours of fitful slumber!”
Description | Children tired but can’t fall asleep with a lack of dysfunction in the house? Pop this in the stereo to simulate spousal arguments long after you’re separated.
Hazards | Years of therapy. Life-long insomnia. Possible celibacy.
“It’s a Small World” Lead-tainted Lollipops
Price | $0.99/each and a handful of brain cells
Tagline | “Lick it before it licks you!”
Description | A cheap, sweet snack that relieves stress, staves hunger and celebrates the young formative years. Comes in artificial and natural flavors like Chinese Cyanide, Brazilian Benzene and Laotian Lead.
Hazards | Blurred vision. Cavities. Coma.
Lil’ Big Dig Playset
Price | $99.95
Tagline | “For your little future civil engineer.”
Description | Have a blast as you pour your own concrete, design endless detours and dodge hilarious lawsuits! Batteries not included.
Hazards | Falling parts may crush fingers. Playset will self-destruct in 5 to 10 years.
Gund® Pet Taxidermy Kit
Tagline | “Sparky’s just sleeping.”
Description | Give the family pet a second life with this do-it-yourself kit. The kids will never know he’s gone!
Hazards | Uncontrollable sobbing. Stench.
Britney! The Video Game
Price | $65
Tagline | “One more time!”
Description | Sing and dance your way from the backwoods of Louisiana into the heart of Hollywood. Can you finish your next album before the evil PopoZão puts another baby in you? Attorney’s fees not included.
Hazards | Toxic.
Aqua Dots for Tots
Tagline | “Aqua Dot it, bro!”
Description | Recent tests have shown that Aqua Dots exude a substance similar to the date rape drug when ingested. Recalls were deemed unnecessary when frat houses across the US purchased all available units.
Hazards | High fives. Loss of memory. Deep emotional scarring.
Price | $23
Tagline | “Would you, could you, pick up wood?”
Description | From the makers of “Razor Challenge”: How many wood scraps can you pull out of the pile before time runs out?
Hazards | Staph infection. Bleeding.